With the onset of menopause, my anxiety increased dramatically but ever since war broke out in Israel where my family lives, the hole in my chest has grown to a whole new level. I speak to my mother, my brother, my nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, more regularly, and as we move back and forth between Hebrew, English, and a broken version of the two, Brainy does a number on me. With every word, I imagine what war means. What living in a bomb shelter looks like.
When we talk, I’m asked questions to which my brain has no answers.
I want to help but Brainy gets in the way.
As they share news, my family is matter-of-fact, often remarkably rational, shockingly calm. There’s no time for self-pity.
These war time conversations fuel my brain but not always in the way I’d have hoped. It’s hard to really listen with Brainy screaming at me.
For most other situations lately, I blame my diminishing estrogen but for not handling this war very well, I’m fairly sure it’s the cortisol. I’m overdosing.
During every surreal conversation, Brainy fixates on one or two things that have been said.
Work has become a welcome distraction, a temporary relief from anxiety. And when I’m free, I try to pretend life is normal. I try to exit the war room. But as I reach for the door, Brainy reaches for her megaphone.
Self-flagellation is my brain’s favorite weapon.
During one phone call though, I make a tiny joke about picturing everyone dying and my cousins respond with the desperate sense of humor that only the darkest times can provide.
For a few minutes, we’re all relieved and able to breathe.
The jokes serve their purpose, a kill-switch for my bitchy brain and I can hear myself again.
Love this, Orly, thank you!
OMG - so hard! And I don't have anyone there on either "side", but my brain is saying a lot of the same things. I worked with brains throughout my career and one of things I firmly believe is that our brain is always trying to help. How might any of this be heard as helpful??
Brain-to-us: I know we're feeling helpless. What if I challenge you to think of something to do?
Brain-to-us: I know we're feeling helpless. At least we can try to share the experience with them somehow, in some way?
Brain-to-us: There are people who might be quite mean about our choices. Have you thought about that enough?
Brain-to-us: I'm worried. Do you think they're still ok? Could we just check please?
What might happen if you tried to reassure Her (your brain) that you're both doing all you can right now and thank Her for trying to help, even though She's scared for them too. Invite Her to offer any good ideas that pop up (maybe while on a walk where She can "wander" a bit -- like ideas in the shower?
Unfortunately, sometimes the best we can do is be willing to listen and take good enough care of ourselves that we can be there for them as much as we can. (Oxygen mask first and all that...) It never feels enough.
Totally ignore this is it feels obnoxious or unwanted in any way. Maybe I should have just Listened.